tee_is_me

I lick your wine
_drink at the feet of your sins
___eat of your eyes
and hair
and skin
___and fold myself in your hands.
But you cannot hang on so I will
_______fall on through
______like sand through the gaps
and lie on the ground that's been
__________judged.

My soft sighs gripping the edge
________of your lips
______________dri
______________ppi
______________ng away with your
liquid
wit.
And of the dirt, I will lift you
though you know not that you are saved.








My poems are
____________lined
in
____________files
and my
_________________songs
_____________________will
__________________________bend
______________________like
_________________strings.
All these words
_______________I
__________________blow
_______________________at
___________________________you
will grow in oak tree rings.

Besides being overwhelmed with things that I'm inspired to write about but don't quite have time to do so, I've been working two jobs, going to school full-time, looking into multiple grad-schools and trying to get my stuff together for my graduation audit.

Also, add a dash of trying to get back into working out, playing guitar and keeping up with chores that need to be done. Enough to make a girl's head spin.

I'm very interested in (in this order):

1)

Michigan Tech


2)

University of Minnesota


3)

Michigan State


4)

Iowa State



Most schools need writing samples, letters of intent, GRE scores and three letters of recommendation. Which is a lot of work to fit into a small window of time. I plan on narrowing it down to just three and applying. We'll see how that goes.

Additionally, I'd like to find time to write a few articles for the Western Herald but we will see if that ever happens.

My guitar will be the death of me...I'm kind of scared of it, which sounds ridiculous but it's something I want so badly but it just isn't letting me catch it! Maybe I have a mental block about it.

In other news, my mother is addicted to Farmville.

Sigma Tau Delta is calling for papers and I need to/want to submit something. I have something written that I like a lot and I have an idea for another piece, I just don't know what form it should take. I need to write up some drafts, first.

::sigh::

Will post more, soon. Have a date with a friend.

Until next time, loves.

An image I never want to forget.

A broken mirror
under white ocean water.
Mirror turns to sand.

Your neck stretches to look at me
touching you as a traitor.

Someone more deserving, surely
to make you croon out.

I can write haikus about you
dream about you
sing about you
I simply cannot get ahold of you.

Being a practical writing and comparative religion major with a minor in journalism may lead a lot of people to think that I'm completely unfocused and arbitrary.

Those things are partially true. But I enjoy learning about religion and, thusly, having the ability to form my own opinions of said religions based on fact (as opposed to hearsay, popular belief, bigotry, etc).

Over the summer, I took a Christian Traditions class. A friend asked me if it had changed my opinions about the faith. I told him it was a lengthy answer and so I answer him here. Now.

I learned that the Roman Catholic Church in medieval history were a-holes. Not that I didn't know that before, but it just strengthened my opinions. I also learned that there are more things in the Lutheran sect that I feel partial to than many other sects of Christianity. A big topic that peaked my interest was the idea of faith alone versus works and what they mean in terms of salvation and what our purpose here on earth is.

Essentially, I tend to believe more that good works don't guarantee salvation (nor do most things). The ONLY thing that we can do to attain salvation is to believe. If you truly believe, good works tend to naturally follow rather than doing charitable deeds and performing lip service in order to attain salvation, build merit, etc. This is how the Lutherans think (if I'm not mistaken...I'm a bit rusty).

Also, the whole idea of indulgences? What a bunch of bull-plop! Inherently, politics and religion intersect (though I wish with my entire mortal self that they didn't) and that intersection turns me off to religion. The exploitation of medieval Christians by the Church just...well, it's irksome. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had stronger religious biases.

I attending a wedding recently (Italian and Irish). The ceremony took 1 hour and 20 minutes. When almost everyone rose to take communion, I felt so...out-of-place. Firstly, why the hell is it EVER necessary to have a ceremony of that length? I can deal with a ceremony being in a church and all the stuff that normally goes with it, but I didn't appreciate feeling like I was attending a Sunday service. Especially since:

1) It wasn't Sunday.
2) I'm not Catholic (you'd think I'd attend a service that would resonate (not that it couldn't have)).
3) The guy who was singing and the priest were totally too into each other.
4) EVERYTHING was SUNG.

It just seemed a little too...showy. Too little was emphasized about what I feel marriage should be about. Yes, if you believe in God then it is a sacrament and should have to do with that commitment, however, it felt so distant and impersonal; like it was solely about their commitment to God and not so much to eachother.

When I get married (if, I suppose is a better word), I should think it to be about my commitment (yes, to God, if applicable) but to THE PERSON I AM MARRYING. I'm not even sure the groom and bride looked at each other for more than 5 minutes.

Also, keep your ceremony under an hour otherwise run the risk of pissing people off...they're already bearing gifts for you.

I also feel more "ok" with not knowing where I belong in a religious world. Knowing that I'm a good person and that I believe in "something" makes me feel kind of secure. And while I'm not opposed to learning more about religion and possibly making an eventual decision (more or less), I'm not in any kind of hurry.

I'm taking an Islamic class and I'm excited to find out more about it since I basically have no knowledge of the religion. It seems very much like Christianity.

And, generally speaking, it takes some imagination to believe some of the things Christians believe. Speaking in a completely neutral way...I'm just saying some aspects of Christianity are pretty fantastical, which, could be a very good thing. Maybe it'll lift some minds off the ground.

Until next time, loves.

Today, we're going to talk about some very serious and deep things. If you're not down, hit that little 'back' button on your browser.

I learned a lot about myself. Today. Really, in one day. Funny thing is, I had a TERRIBLE day. Sometimes it takes some bad experiences to make you realize some important things.

I had a friend be "honest" with me. Now, this wasn't the kind of honesty where it makes you feel enlightened and good. It wasn't even the kind of honesty where it was like "Well, you suck but I love ya anyway." This was brutal, "are-you-doing-this-just-to-hurt-me" honesty. And I'm not really sure what this individual was trying to accomplish by being so "honest" with me, but if said individual wanted to hurt me, make my day worse than it already was and make me think I'm a living, breathing lie, then "Mission Accomplished."

I have a lot of close friends. Friends that mean the world to me (you know who you are) and most of those friends are guys. What's the problem inherent in that situation?

According to Friend Honest, these friends are mostly my friends because they think there's a chance that I'll sleep with them, someday. Apparently, if I were 100 lbs. heavier, half of them wouldn't even talk to me, much less give a frock what I have to say.

In fact, Friend Honest and I would have never even met if I were overweight and not-so-easy-on-the-eyes. He wouldn't have wanted to learn anything about me or talk to me at all. Despite the fact that we have much in common and we hold great, intellectually stimulating conversations, if I were a huge, ugly girl, I would have been invisible to him.

...

These things are being spoken to me on the phone over a course of approximately 15 minutes of monologue. What's my reaction? How does one react to that? Ha ha ha. Well...

Silence. I didn't say anything. I'm sitting here basically feeling like the only reason these guys are my friends is because I'm leading them on to think that we're going to do the Deed sometime in the near future. Friend Honesty is explaining all these things, thinking...what exactly? Trying to figure that out. Is he thinking that I'm going to appreciate this profound truth? That because he's the only person who's ever said these rude, hurtful and downright scathing things about me and my friends, that I'm going to appreciate him more and think that he's my one, true friend?

Chew on this next one; also compliments of Friend Honesty but we're going to re-name him, Friend Truly Lonely.

Friend Truly Lonely explains to me that I have no idea what it's like to be "truly alone." And that I never will know that feeling. That, sure, I've been broken up with and I've been sad but there's always someone there (another potential boyfriend, mainly) for me so I've never really been "alone."

Ok.

When Friend Truly Lonely gets broken up with, he descends into a cavernous sadness and true "alone-ness." Obviously, I wouldn't know what this is like.

Along with these few things, he assumed many other things about me and my life.

Enough with this sarcasm.

What is "true loneliness?" Is it sitting on your floor, carving your voice into your book of poems, crying a dozen tears for each simile? Is loneliness dedicating every sad song to your be-daggered heart? Is it screaming and crying to people how lonely you are? Is it drugs? Is it alcohol? Is it your body in an empty room?

Can loneliness be when you drink to make yourself numb on a Monday night when you don't care where you are or why people are staring at you? Can you be alone even with a warm body next to you in bed, crying silently as to not wake the body? Can you be lonely when you smile because you don't want someone else to know you're hurting so much despite how kind they've been? Do you actually have to be "alone" to be "lonely?" Can you be "alone" in a room full of people? Are "alone" and "loneliness" words to describe physical states of being or states of mind?

You can't categorize what any emotion is for any one except yourself. Half the time, people don't know what their own emotions mean or where they fit in; how does one assume to know what I'm feeling and what I've felt or have not?

Have I been truly alone? I'm really not sure. And if I'm not sure, how is someone else SO sure that I haven't been? I know what I've felt but I'm not sure that it fits the mold of a word. So often, I'm not sure I have words to describe what I've felt.

People don't realize that comparing feelings (their own) with feelings (another's) is an apples to oranges comparison. People assume words to mean different kinds of things, different shades of the same thing...different intensities...different histories.

This person's idea of "true loneliness" is irrelevant. It's COMPLETELY relevant to himself and his emotions. Can it match or outweigh the kind of loneliness I've felt in my life? How can it if these feelings can be two different things?

I *can* say that I've felt empty and different in a room full of people. I can say that I've been with someone who's there for me and still felt disconnected, misunderstood, and foreign.

If that's the collective idea of lonely, then, yeah, I've been there.

Addressing the former subject:

Whatever my friends are out to get ultimately is a mystery to me, I suppose. I have a very very hard time thinking that many of my friends talk to me and hang out with me because they think they'll get in my pants. Realistically, I could see it being a reasonable conclusion someone would come to, though [I guess...].

So, really, I should just stop talking to all of my guy friends, right? I mean, if I gain a ton of weight or if I was in a terrible fire, they would just stop being my friends anyway, right? (damn, there's that sarcasm again...)

How to navigate actual intention...

Am I happy? Do I surround myself with people who make me smile...who make me glad to be alive? Who keep me from being that "empty, different, disconnected, misunderstood, foreign" person I can be at times? People who make me question and appreciate and wonder and strive to be better, faster, stronger, and more me than I have been before...?

Collectively, it's a yes. And, if there is someone in my life that's making me happy and content and glad to be alive just to try to get into my pants...so freaking what? Are they going to get in them? Not likely. But damnit, if I feel any way other than how I felt when said "friend" and I were talking tonight, what else is there? Isn't that what friends are for: to make you into that un-lonely you? And let's be honest with each other, here: is a person who's just looking to get a little nookie really going to go out of his way to try to be one of those amazing friends who I just can't seem to live without? Also, not likely.

So as much as I like to be logical and algebraic and take the common denominator out of whatever situation, ultimately I can change how I feel and no one can *make* me feel something I don't want to.

Happiness might be an illusion. It can be a prescription.

Control is an illusion. It can also be a prescription.

I don't assume to present either of these illusions to anyone except myself. I'm ok with illusions. I'm ok with the rose-colored glasses. I still feel real and I feel very real things. I experience very real situations...wonderful, dreadful and alive situations.

Is it too much to ask that I'm allowed to do what I want to make myself happy? Ultimately, the only person that I have to live with is myself.

And when everything is said and done, and everyone's been seen through, I'm betting that my friends, guys or girls, are going to have contributed to the very best parts that make up the better parts of who I am. The very same friends that were looking to just get some ass.

To Friend Honest/Friend Truly Lonely: I wish my heart could go out to you...I wish I could share my illusion with you...I hope with all my heart that you meet some friends who make you feel "Not Truly Lonely" and maybe even some that meet you after you've gained some weight or had a bad hair day or EVEN some that just want to get into your pants.

The last part was written sincerely...I just wish people could see how relative anything can be.

Yeah, that's right. I'm a little pissed-off right now. Hopefully I can keep this steam throughout this post.

So, we all know about the internship at the KIA. I'm almost finished (approx. 10 more hours to be done) and I get 3 credits for completing this. 75+ hours for 3 credits. Fair, I'd say. Plus, the internship was unpaid (which was fine, I figure about $1000 at WMU for 3 credits means I would have gotten $13/hour). I'm fine with not getting paid. Plus, the internship was a lot of fun.

So, I check my WMU account and it says I owe WMU some $890. WTF. I call BroncoExpress (because, apparently it's too much work for the department you really want to reach to answer phones, you have to go through BroncoExpress for everything) and ask them why I'm being charged for a Summer II class that I didn't take. She can't figure it out (cuz she works for BroncoExpress) and transfers me to the registrar's office (WTF do they do...seriously). The lady I talked to was nice enough and explained to me that even though Western virtually did nothing for me during Summer II, I had to pay them. Um...WHAT?

So, I used none of their facilities, equipment and didn't receive any instruction from ANYONE they employ, and I worked for free and I have to *pay* them? I mean, I don't even know the rating of the ridiculousness of this notion. What, exactly, am I paying them for? For them to say, "oh yeah, you worked 75 hours for free and since we have to put in our computers that we'll transfer that to credit, we're gonna charge you, oh, about the same as it would be if you took a class here."

Where's the logic here?

Was there ever a day where universities DID'T rape students for every penny they have (or not [student loans])? Our parking passes are $300 a year(not a month, as previously posted). Are you kidding me?

I intend to write a lengthy argument to the highest person I can get ahold of. This is utterly insane.

Grrr....

I think someone needs to reiterate the university's mission statement and goals, which seem to be a lot of hyped-up fancy talk.

Before I start on my articles for the KIA's newsletter, I'll update on the goings-ons in my life.

Firstly, The Dark Knight was a-may-zing. There were several parts where I just wanted to stand up a scream...it was truly a cinematic wonder. Heath Ledger did a bang-up job creating a Joker we'll never forget. We went to the Rave and even though the theater was packed, people weren't disruptive or loud or rude. Kind of strange...if you haven't seen it, you should go...like, right now. Seriously. Christian Bale did well but IMO, Heath stole the show.

I've been working on articles for the KIA's newsletter. I finished my first. I'm pretty happy about it. I have 2 more on faculty members and 2 other stories I haven't started researching yet.

The new job is coming along well. I work a lot this week. Right now, I work as a barista's assistant which basically is an endless, vicious cycle of checking and cleaning the lobby, wiping tables, bringing in bus-tubs of dishes, watering plants, brewing coffee (light, dark and decaf...our coffees are only good for an hour and have to be thrown out so I'm *constantly* brewing coffee), making smoothies and shakes, getting deli food, watering plants, checking bathrooms, and dishes...oh so many dishes. My hands get so dry from water and soap and sanitizer. But, no one said it would be easy.

Today I go to the brewery for Coffee 101 to learn how to make complex drinks...you know...those skinny vanilla lattes with 2 shots, extra foam, extra hot...ugh.

I had an appointment with an advisor and was pretty upset to find out that I'm being held from graduating this summer (or next fall) because I can't take journalism classes concurrently. The earliest I'll graduate is Spring '10. The journalism classes I need are like, 200 level classes and here I am in 400 and 500 classes. Whatever...maybe I'll pick up another minor. Stupid question, but can you double minor?

Hmm...

Chicago Aug 9-12 with Alison and Nick...pretty stoked BUT I have, like, no money. Misery. Hopefully my loan comes in soon...I need to, like, pay rent and stuff.

I'll be in another movie. But, I'm getting paid. Yay. Based on the above statement, it may be the most convincing reason to do it. It'll be slightly longer than the last and I don't die in this one! yay! The script is...well...questionable but we'll see if the author takes some of the suggestions I emailed him. I know, I'm an a$$hole, right? Critiquing someone who didn't even request it...but it needed it.

I'm getting better at GH3... I beat medium but I'm a little scared to start hard. Craig's been playing some songs on hard and we all hate him for it...all of us being Andrew and I. Haha. I kind of got over the regular setlist pretty quickly. I really like the bonus tracks (Avalancha, FCPREMIX, Radio Band, Ruby, and others) and we d/led the Foo Fighters package and a few other songs. I love Before I Forget and disdain the Social Distortion song.

I'm Twittering now. If you wanna follow along, follow the link. I even downloaded Twhirl for ease of use. I'm such a dork.

In other news, I've learned HTML coding...sort of. I really like it. This could be the start of something great.

Until next time, loves.

I really am, I swear. Getting ready for a new job, a house, possibly a doggie. I'm really looking forward to it. It's hard to be excited when your life is laying stagnant. Mine feels like it's slowly being pushed along and the rate of speed will hopefully increase at an exponential rate. I hate being in the same place for too long...I'm a rocker and a roller.

I had my interview today. Running the register wasn't too bad but I'm just hoping the manager was satisfied with how I picked things up. It's very fast-paced work but it seems like it could be a lot of fun once you get the hang of it. She said I should hear from her by Monday and I got a free $10 gift card for working today. So, I have that, if nothing else should come of this. Whoo hoo!

Please pray for me this weekend...hopefully I get that call.

I'm also kind of excited about classes this fall. I have advance writing, studies in the novel, and variations in American English.

I'm thinking very very seriously of studying abroad in Italy next summer. I'll almost be done with school and I figure what better time to travel than now?

That is all, for now.

Until next time, loves.

My first interview was yesterday. I just got a call notifying me that my second interview will be tomorrow at noon. This will mostly be the manager doing something on the register and having me repeat the action. Monkey see, monkey do. Hopefully it's just as easy as it sounds.

The 4th including drinking heavily for a few days straight, although I say heavily and it pales in comparison to Craig's intake. W.E.I.N?

Need to update the KIA website before Friday (I hope).

Trying to get someone to work for me this evening. Yesterday when I was stretching my students out, I noticed my neck hurting a little. This morning I woke up and I can't turn my left ear to my left shoulder, I can't put my head down all the way or back all the way and it hurts a little to move my left arm. Whoopde-doo. I mean, if I have to work, I have to work. But this week, spotting belt is one of the events which is essentially a pulley-system meant to lift children to allow them to do back-tucks and other sorts of physically-laboring (for me, not them) activities.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do in the fall if I get the barista job. As of right now, I have classes Monday and Wednesday only from around 10AM-5PM. I would really like to stay at the gym, at least for a couple of shifts, and I'd love to stay at the bookstore to get free books (requiring at least 10 hours a week) and then work at the coffee shop 20+ hours a week...? Here I go...stretching myself a little thinner than I'd like...*sigh*

We'll see what happens. Perhaps I could work at the gym on Saturdays and work things like overnights and back-handspring clinics and birthday parties only. Maybe I'll just have to quit there for a while and only be a sort of "on-call" teacher. :(

At any rate, I'm going to read now...ta ta!

Until next time, loves.

I've been researching lately the upsides, downsides, sidesides, comings and goings, reviews and forecasts of the program Second Life.

The KIA may be looking into promoting itself through this media. The problem inherent to that is it *could* potentially cost them a lot of money, time and could ultimately fail at the purpose they're trying to achieve through it.

I started an account, downloaded the required installs only to be slightly disappointed. I didn't spend a lot of time on the program but I found myself to be bored and kind of confused. I transported to this island that was basically devoid of any life and got yelled at by some cowboy who was sitting looking relatively forlorn-ish.

When you transport somewhere or even if you are walking around, trees and buildings and even avatar clothing takes a while to download which tests the patience of users (even those with an exceptional net connection and graphics packages).

I can't decide for myself what I think about it. On one hand, I could see this possibly becoming bigger and better in a 2.0 version but I could also see it becoming noted as a young-adult causual cyber hookup haven...similar to the reputation Myspace developed (Facebook: heading there). Social networking is out of control. It's such a blessed, potentially life-enhancing concept but so many good ideas that are fleshed out and fully-realized soon meet their demise because of the large percentage of our population that could be deemed "detrimental to society in general," to be especially cynical today.

Still researching. Still pondering.

In other news, the 4th will be kicked off with a trip to Indy for fireworks and partying in NB with CSD's fam. Should prove to be a good time. Also, I'm a bit worried about Miles. I literally haven't heard a word from him since I last saw him. I called him (Friday was his birthday) and left him a message...no correspondence since.

I hope all's ok with him.

Until next time, loves.

I'm on my lunch at my internship and I'm just kind of reflecting a bit. Ran into a bit of a financial crisis recently. It depresses me when I let finances depress me. Money is such a trivial part of my life and not a huge concern for me (especially when I'll graduate in debt...thanks, WMU) but it really got me down this time.

I'm actually applying for a job as a barista at a local cafe. It seems fairly busy and I can literally see the house we're renting next year from the parking lot of the cafe. Needless to say, it'd be convenient.

I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero lately...it took me a long time to beat Lou on Medium...translating to: I suck. But it's fun.

I only need 2 more classes after the fall to finish up my major and I need to talk to an advisor about my minor because there are only 4 or 5 classes for my journalism minor but they cannot be taken concurrently. So, I wouldn't stand a chance of graduating within the next 6 semesters...ugh. Sometimes, an advisor can override this, I think. Which is why I need to place a conversation with said advisor.

Don't know what's happening for the 4th yet. As long as I get to see some fireworks, I'll be fine.

Lots more to tell but I have an apple that's calling my name and only about 5 min left of lunch.

Until next time, loves.

So, I'm two wonderful weeks into my internship and I'm loving it. Mondays 10AM-4PM and Fridays 9AM-2PM are working out great. I feel great getting up early to go to the KIA and work on several projects that make me feel so involved...especially because I'm utilizing my writing skills and planning projects that I know will promote the KIA cause.

Right now, I'm mostly working on updating/creating our social networking sites. It's getting easier to do this since everything can be linked to everything else. Facebook will probably be the center of our network with some sort of blog and Flickr branching off from it. I really like Livejournal for this purpose but Blogger seems like it would do the trick as well. I turned in my "plan" to my supervisor this afternoon. He'll take a look at it and hopefully tell me he thinks it will work.

The KIA is currently a group on Facebook but I plan to set up a page for the KIA as an organization just like a regular Facebook page only it's recognized as a "place" rather than a group. So we'll have our own fans, photos and applications, all to promote the KIA and get the word out.

I also hope to be able to head down to the galleries sometime soon. I had almost forgotten how impassioned art makes me. The galleries are beautiful and bring a certain cultural breath to my life.

I will also be doing a few interviews with some of the faculty...I'll finally get to stretch my journalism muscles.

Health has been well enough, although I don't take my medication every day, as I should. Trying to find time to write as much as possible.

Family drama...trying to keep Mom sane and calm. My heart goes out to her, as always.

That's basically it.

Until next time, loves.

So 21's been pretty sweet. A bunch of us went bar hopping this past Saturday. It's the only side of Kalamazoo that I think I could grow to tolerate.

Finals are over with. I'm hoping for C's in Italian and Comm. Pretty sure I aced Shakespeare and we didn't have a final in my poetry class but I received a 49/50 on my portfolio because my teacher "just doesn't give out 50s". Awesome. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. My poetry continues to take steps that I didn't know I had legs for.

Craig and I took a day-trip to Chicago on Friday. Even though it's a wonderful city, I don't think I could ever live there. The city amazes me but at the same time, it confuses and scares me. When we were eating lunch, I was trying to explain to Craig that I want to travel abroad soon. He wants to also but I think he would rather wait a few years. I was trying to explain that I think I could get more out of it if I went while I was young but I don't think he understands.

I don't know what it is I'm even looking for but I know it's out there somewhere. I just think traveling abroad would open my eyes a little more and I feel like my brain can soak everything up a little better. Wait a few years and the green parts of my brain that are still buds will be opened a little more and I would like travel to blast those areas open instead of growing a little older and not being so amazed at everything when I do travel abroad.

I don't know if what I'm saying is making any sense, but I know what I mean and how I feel and I've been being pushed this way for a while. I had a Send Tee to Ireland donation button for a while so I know this isn't the first (or the last) time I'll be or have been afflicted by the travel bug.

Summer classes start next week or the week after or something and I'm still waiting to hear back about my internship. Wish me luck!

Until next time, loves.

Saturday, April 12th, 2008.

If you remember from my last post, I had been feeling a little poopy, for lack of a better word.

Since about Tuesday the 8th, I had known that Craig had a surprise for me because he told me not to plan anything. I woke up on Saturday feeling still a bit nauseated but better, for the most part.

He came home from work around 4:30 and said we had to leave around 5:30 pm for the surprise. I figured it would have been dinner but he said that I didn't really have to dress up...he said a nice[r] shirt and jeans was fine which left me a little baffled.

When we got off the highway, he made me wear a blindfold. Now I was really stumped. He led me in to this mystery place, and I smelled food. Ah, it IS a restaurant, I thought. He took off my blindfold and the first thing I remember seeing was my mom and dad standing together...and the tears started coming.

They said later that my face turned red immediately.

My whole family was there: my grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, my other aunt, my great grandmother, mom and dad and Brandon, Scott (one of my brother's friends), Brandon's girlfriend, Andrew, Craig, Kareem, Jimmy and Jimmy's little brother...it was absolutely amazing. They had planned the whole thing starting from about 2 months ago without me knowing at all.

We had a great time, played tons of arcade games, had cake and ice cream. My dad and I got to ride a roller-coaster simulator together. We ended up with 2,121 tickets (weird) and bought a monkey, a plastic bowling set and about 75 tickets worth of pixie sticks. Magnificent.

There was no way it could have gotten better. My parents drove 3 hours for one night of fun for me. I feel so blessed. Best birthday ever.

It's so strange that God throws things at you to really challenge your endurance and strength and then floats something worth a year's amount of ecstasy. Really, a nice a needed balance for a couple of weeks of hardship for me.

I need to post soon about my ACTUAL birthday, but I have things to do for now.

Life is good.

Until next time, loves.

Starting last Thursday.

I had an abdominal migraine. What the hell is an abdominal migraine, you may ask? I shall tell you. I woke up feeling a big sick and so I headed to the bathroom just in case. I then became overcome by nausea, vomiting, vertigo, my hands and my feet went numb, hot and cold sweats and if that weren't enough...excruciating pain in my stomach. Basically, I throw up, and take the fetal position, trying not to move until I throw up again. It lasts anywhere from 1-4 hours.

It seems that these things occur once or twice a year and so far, they've all happened within 4 months of eachother. Last year I had 2 of them which is the reason I can't fly anymore.

I'd be fine with being incapacitated for a few hours, except I've accrued all of my allowed absences in my poetry class and an additional one that he let slide due to the flu. So, I emailed him as soon as I could and let him know what was going on and also told him I understood that my grade would be lowered due to absences. He wrote me back and told me not to worry about my grade, and I should just think about getting better. Very cool.

So, the week goes by.

Wednesday.

I finally go to my Italian class after not having went for a week or so just to find out we had an exam that day. I got the homework to make up from him and bounced. Awesome.

Wednesday night I start to feel a bit icky and sicky. I remember exactly what I had eaten that day and I remember exactly what it looked like back in the toilet that night. It all came rushing out of me like a waterfall gone wrong. I puked, I felt better.

I woke up with a rash. This rash looks like tiny little blood blisters. If you've ever gotten a hickey and noticed the tiny, red dots under your skin, you know what it looks like. I had them all over my face. Above my eyelids, under my cheeks, peppered down and around my jaw...ew. Plus, I still felt icky that day.

So my mom made me (via telephone persuasion) to go to the hospital. The doctor asked me "Does your rash blanch?" "Why, no, doc...believe it or not, I know what that means and I checked already, it does not."

He takes a glass slide and a light and proceeds to press it to my face half a dozen times saying "huh".

I told him it could be related (but I didn't know for sure) to an abdominal migraine episode that I had last week. "I don't think I've ever heard of an abdominal migraine..." Of course you haven't...apparently, I"m in a 1 percentile of existence.

He gave me something for my nausea and sent me on my merry (or not) way.

Filling the perscription ("Give us about a half-hour") at the pharmacy was misery. "Please don't puke in here, please don't puke in here..." I took it upon myself to restart "Arctic Tale" in the DVD player while I was waiting to keep my mind off of pukeage.

I called work...thankfully, someone could cover for me. Took this medicine and zonked out completely.

I slept the night before from about 1am-10ish. After I took the medicine I slept from 4pm-10:15pm, woke up, had some oatmeal and gatorade and went to bed again from 11:30pm-8am. I don't EVER sleep that much. I was delirious as a fox when I woke up.

So what are we at now...Friday?

Ah, yes, Friday. Chiropracter appointment at 10:15...feeling OK...go out to start my car and the key won't turn in the ignition. Wow. Try it again and again and again...nothing. I call and cancel and call work and tell them I have no way of getting up there by 11:30. My boss comes and picks me up so I can work camp. Feel kinda crappy from 11am-1:30pm. My boss bought me lunch...I just had bread and meat w/ a little mayo. The worst sandwich I've ever had.

I ate 6 or 7 bites and felt not so hungry. Got a ride home from Andrew and basically vegged all day. Got a headache so I went and lied down...ACTUALLY fell asleep. Craig and I were supposed to join Andrew for a sushi-making endeavor and I felt bad because I had no appetite at all. So we just went over there and the boys got some Taco Bell and ploayed \video games and I slept on Andrew's bed/couch thing. Woke up when it was time to leave...felt a little dizzy and a little vomitey. Got home.

Puked. Again. Fell asleep. Woke up this morning...STILL NAUSEATED.

Ugh...

What the hell is my health right now?

what is it with guys and porn...so dumb.

Answer: "I think you can in Europe"

Again, I feel overwhelmed with life...with the things in it and the things doing life...the living. I feel a sorrow, intense happiness, proud, ashamed, and kind of estranged and at a loss for words...sometimes I feel like I have to spread myself so thin to be understood, like I speak paradoxically.

Words clutter up the world. People feel things that are so hard for other people to understand. We are of the same speicies and yet there is such a disconnection inherent in our animal kingdom. And it's completely unavoidable and it frustrates me.

Have you ever gotten into contact with someone you haven't talked to in years, actual years. They ask you "What's new?" as if there's anyway to catch up from that seperation. "Well, I've gotten 8 years older and the twin towers fell, in case you didn't know". I mean, come on...! What are you supposed to say to that? And then you talk to one of your good friends after not talking for a day and you have thousands of things to tell him..."They put the wrong kind of mustard on my sandwich!" It's so contextual. It's that kind of frustrating.

Love. The world goes and stops for love. What's this fear of love that people have? Intamacy, closeness, bonding, sharing...what's the fear there? I'd risk breaking my legs to experience bungee jumping as opposed to walking to class the next day "Yep, I almost bungee jumped the other day, good thing I didn't, I could have broken my legs!" How can someone be scared of something that everyone in the world desires so badly? Who *doesn't* want to fall in love? Who *doesn't* want to be someone else's special someone? Dumb question.

I'm not saying open your heart up to the first slob that walks up to you but be open to chances and you have to let people in a little. You have to give of yourself to receive of someone else.

Ugh...someone get me some Van Halen...

Until next time, loves.

My dreams lately have been from far left field. I won't delve into the details, but let's just say I've been dreaming about people that must live in a dark corner of my subconscious because I don't really talk to these people anymore.

Ok, really, it's just one person and I woke up extremely confused about it but wanting to fall back asleep to dream it again, only taking it further to figure out why he/she was in my head.

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I've undertaken a project that I've been thinking about since before I moved out of Dan's house. My computer desk is very old...very old. My grandpa made it for me when I was really little and it hasn't been sanded or repainted or altered in anyway since then. It's a beautifully made white desk, three drawers on the left, one skinny drawer in the center over the place where your chair goes. The most interesting thing about the desk is the 'lady's leg' my grandpa designed for it.

As I said, the left side is like a regular desk, but on the right side, instead of just a flat piece of wood serving as the other support, he carved it into the shape of a woman's leg...from the thigh down. I guess coming from an outsider's point of view, it might seem a bit weird but I think it's lovely that he made it for me and it has not only a feminine aspect and attitude, but it's a highly personal touch that makes the whole thing just charming.

So, this thing needs some sanding and repainting. Craig wanted to get his Dad's sander for me but I decided yesterday (somewhat inspired by the nice weather) to go to Lowe's and just get the things I needed to get it started: sanding sponge to strip the paint, 2 quarts of paint, and some brushes. I guess I like doing things "hands-on" and I really wanted to just sand it by hand.

What I'm planning on doing with this desk is painting it a very light, gardeny olivey green and then stenciling some designs on in white to completely personalize it. I was thinking lots of nice, girly things, some seashells reminding me of my beginnings, birds for aviation, frogs, bugs, flowers...you know. Somewhere on the desk, I'd like to put my grandpa's initials HLC and my initials somewhere also...I was toying with the idea of hiding Brandon, Dad, Mom's and Grandma's in there too but I haven't decided yet. I just think it's so much more interesting and fun and it'll be a fun story to tell later in my life.

I did the sanding yesterday, and I'm thinking today I'll do the first and perhaps the second coat of paint and print out the stencils I've found. But I have to write a poem, read some Othello, and start writing a couple of short papers...just to get ahead. ;)

It's hard to believe the semester's wrapping up. I went to "English Major Career Day" on Friday and I showed up a bit late because I had a chiropractic appointment early on. So I got myself all gussied up and came in the room in the middle of a seminar. I didn't make too much noise but I noticed on the itinerary that a certain Paul was on the list (I won't disclose his last name). It was the very same Paul that I had contacted about the internship at the Kalamazoo Institute of Arts that I'm looking for over the summer. After they were done talking, I walked up and introduced myself. Right away, he knew who I was. We talked a bit and he said that in 4 or 5 weeks, I should hear back from him about whether I acquired the job or not. The most surprising thing was, he said that he and my English adviser had been talking about me earlier...ME! Wow...

Also, during lunch time, I was invited by a couple of nice gentlemen to their table (they felt sorry for me; I was sitting by myself). We chatted and a young woman came to join us. I didn't really notice who she was until I saw her name tag which said Callie. The very SAME Callie that I had contacted about the Chamber of Commerce intern position. I introduced myself and she must not have heard me and I repeated myself. She knew me right away and we talked and she gave me some recommendations. She said in about a month, they should be contacting people about the internship.

Free lunch AND networking! Man, I'm glad I went.

Until next time, loves.

I had a dream last night that I had to write down.

I was somewhere in front of a mirror, and lined up in front of the mirror were all these bottles of lotion and moisturizer and all those things with the pump-top that you can turn to lock.

And I was just turning all of these tops, locking them. Just down the line, one by one.

The innerworkings of my subconscious...weird eh?